Week 5? More like Weak 5

Wow, I went 2-3 last week, and I’m officially under .500 for the season. If I keep this up I may have to accidentally mix my Hydroxycut with the Vicodin I’ve been taking for my broken rib and have an “allergic reaction.” No, I’m not trying to harm myself.

A lot has happened in the past week. Another replay official, this time from Conference USA, was suspended after blowing a fumble call, Rutgers was ranked in the Top 25 for the first time since 1976, and WR Keegan Toci of Harvard was dropped from the team for a skit he performed in which he cited 20 reasons why the school's Division I-AA football program would never rise to Division I-A. Seriously? At some schools in the southeastern US (which may rhyme with “Riami”) you could steal laptops, sell them for drug money, buy an eight-ball, knock up a stripper, record a song about it, and still start at defensive back the next week. I don’t know who is more surprised this week, Toci, or the State of Oklahoma after hearing that president David Boren is ready to “move on.” Yeah, and I’m sure that thumping of Middle Tennessee helped in the grieving process.

This week’s Mo Clarett award nominee: The security staff at Southern University. Burglars stole sneakers, money, football rings and electronics from North Carolina Central University's locker room during the football team's game last week. Southern University officials are embarrassed by the theft, and have pledged University Police will follow up on the case. Well that’s reassuring. When I was in school, UPD was useful for riding around campus on their bikes and watching TV in the rec center. Good luck finding the perps, guys. On to the picks.

Last week: 2-3
This season: 9-10-1

Rutgers -4 SOUTH FLORIDA

My Friday night special. Rutgers lost another wide receiver this week when Shawn Tucker broke his ankle last week against Howard. This will have an affect on the air attack, but shouldn’t matter too much. Rutgers 4-0 record rests firmly on the shoulders of RB Ray Rice and his 9TDs. Rice has more success running in New Jersey than Rick Tocchet’s gambling ring ever did. I really think Rutgers has a good chance to win the Big East this year (which is similar to the old joke about medaling at the Special Olympics). My only caveat is that the only thing easier than Rutgers’ schedule is their coeds (Yay Jersey Girls!). However, I don’t see USF, who struggled against Kansas and FIU this season as a big problem for Rutgers. I’ll take Rutgers to cover Friday night. Hooray Jersey!

Wisconsin -10½ INDIANA

For Terry Hoeppner's sake, I'm picking this one with my heart and not with my brain. I'll take Indiana with the points.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL -7½ Arkansas State

Florida International is favored? That ranks right up there with Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight! My mind is boggled by this one. FIU's leading rusher is some guy named Ned. Ned is not a strong running back name. ASU's running backs are Arnold and James. These are solid RB names. Not Ned. I'll take the Indians with the points over FIU.

VANDERBILT -34 Temple

I'm torn on this one. Vandy is bad, but Temple SUCKS. I mean like we've-only-scored-ten-points-all-season sucks. I wish there was a positive for Temple, but I can't really find it. Even my Rabbi made mention of how ineffective the Temple offense is. "Lee," said Rabbi Shlomo, "Jewish boys were just not meant to play football." Personally, I've always gone by the "Don't pick against Temple during the Jewish Holidays" rule. Or is it don't pick Temple during the Jewish Holidays? I forget. What I haven't forgotten is that Temple SUCKS. Even after scoring their first TD of the season last week, I'm still picking them to lose big. Vanderbilt covers the spread in this one. Temple looks forward to MAC games more and more each week.


Ohio State -6½ IOWA

Okay, this one has all the makings of an upset. Ohio State is a consensus number 1, featuring the modern-day Cerberus of Troy Smith, Antonio Pittman, and Ted Ginn Jr. (who sounds like a serial killer, especially the way he slashes through opposing defenses ). #13 Iowa is also 4-0, and has held teams to an average of under 85 yards rushing per game. Additionally, Iowa is 26-2 at home dating back to the 2002 season, including a 33-7 drubbing of the then #23 Buckeyes in 2004. This time, Ohio State comes into Iowa City as a consensus #1, at a venue where the top team in the country has embarrassed the Hawkeyes in each their last three games against a #1 team. Though Iowa has a strong defense, and QB Drew Tate seems to have recovered from his week two injury, and Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz seems to think that Iowa hasn't yet played their best football, I'm not convinced. If the Texas game is any indication, Ohio State should have no trouble containing Tate and the Hawkeye offense. This game will come down to whether or not Iowa can slow down Smith and the air attack and force Ohio State to win this one on the ground. I say 'Not.' Ohio State rolls to 5-0 and covers the spread.

Sorry they were so late this week, more next Thursday.

Week 4 - Wow, that was bad

After a 1-4 week, I've changed the name, changed the address, and hopefully changed my luck. I'm still in a bit of a tizzy over how crazy things have gone this past week. OU President David L. Boren said, "To describe the lapses in accurate officiating at the Oklahoma-Oregon football game last Saturday as constituting an outrageous injustice is an understatement." Even crazier this week was Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez who said, "Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of." Even creepier was that Chavez was talking about Pac-10 replay official Gordon Riese.

Not to keep raising a painful subject, but I'm not sure what the big deal over the Oklahoma/Oregon game is. I mean Oklahoma did cover the spread after all . . .

This week's Maurice Clarett award nominee: Connecticut starting safety Marvin Taylor who was arrested on larceny charges related to the illegal use of a credit card. You may remember Marvin as the player who was also arrested last season for pellet-gun shooting outside a convenience store in May 2005. Marvin also narrowly beat out Florida's Marcus Thomas who was suspended indefinitely Wednesday for a second violation of the school's substance-abuse policy. Yes, Marcus tested positive twice for marijuana usage, but Marcus' mom believes both violations came from the same drug use. Nothing says love quite like mom coming to the defense of your bong hits. On to the picks.

Last week: 1-4
Season 7-7-1

Middle Tennessee +28 OKLAHOMA

Raise your hand if you think Bob Stoops will make sure this game is over by the second quarter. Yup, that seems like all of you. Between the painful loss on the road last week, and the fact that OU has a GIANT chip on their shoulder after dropping 5 spots in the coaches' poll, the Sooners feel like they have a lot to prove. Heisman Hopeful Adrian Peterson should have little problem shredding the Blue Raiders defense (who have given up a combined 362 rushing yards to powerhouses FIU, Maryland and Tennessee Tech), and I think that Middle Tennessee coach Rick Stockstill is a bit jaded when he says, "[Oklahoma] losing last week won't have a difference in this week's game." For the most part, Rick, you're right. Oklahoma will mop the floor with the Blue Raiders and more than cover the spread.

Colorado + 26.5 GEORGIA

An anonymous email to Buffs coach Dan Hawkins was intercepted by my spies this week and it reads: Coach - Players aren't responding to the "passionate, excited coach" shtick. Another loss and we're bringing back the booze and strippers. Sincerely, Gary B. At least when the teams were losing under Gary Barnett, we knew that had no trouble scoring, on or off the field. Now, the Buffs have mustered a paltry 23 points total this season. Unfortunately for them, they run into a brick wall in Georgia this weekend against a Bulldog team that has allowed zero points in their last two games this season. I don't see things changing this week, and even if Georgia's offense (led by true freshman quarterback Matthew Stafford) isn't 100% this week, I see the Dawgs covering the spread and Colorado drowning their sorrows in big mugs of root beer and Disney movies.

Buffalo + 43 AUBURN

I'm not sure who scheduled this game or how much money Buffalo is getting to play the part of patsy, but I hope they're getting at least $1000 for every point Auburn scores against them. I'm predicting something crazy like 500 yards rushing after Aubrun said they need to work on a run game that was stymied by LSU last week. Actually, 500 yards rushing might not be so crazy. I just hope that Auburn shows a little mercy on a team that almost fell to I-AA acouple of years ago. Oh, come on, who am I kidding? I'm hoping that Auburn breaks Wyoming's record of 103 points scored in a game. Why not? I did it last week in X-Box, so anything is possible. Auburn covers the spread, and Buffalo uses the money to buy new uniforms and a couple of hookers from the Gary Barnett school of recruiting. They're gonna need them.

Tulane + 36 LSU

I hope you've recognized the trend here. All of these games involve home favorites featuring a HUGE spread, and the pattern doesn't change here. LSU had a great showing against Auburn last week, and continue to impress on defense, giving up only 1 TD in three games (an average of 4.3 ppg.) . This doesn't spell success for Tulane, who have allowed 377 yards and 252 yards passing this season. Once again, I'm going with the home favorite, led by junior QB JaMarcus Russell and his 718 yards passing, to cover the spread and beat up on the Green Wave.


Florida Atlantic + 29.5 SOUTH CAROLINA

Good news Gamecocks fans, the assault charge against QB Blake Mitchell was dropped last Friday after my column was written. The bad news? Mitchell didn't start and South Carolina beat Wofford 27-20. That makes two games in a row that the Old Ball Coach's offense has let him down. The lack of scoring could work both ways, either South Carolina rallies around their returning QB (who has yet to throw a TD this season), or they continue their mediocre style of play (averaging 14 points per game). Mind you, FAU is one of ESPN's bottom 10 teams this season, but I don't think South Carolina will dominate FAU the same way Clemson, Kansas State and Oklahoma State all have. Even though the Owls have lost by an average of more than 44 points per game this season, South Carolina just hasn't been impressive enough on offense to cover the spread this week. I'll take Florida Atlantic with the points.

That's it for this week. Hopefully I'll go better than 1-4, but if not, it must be because I'm good looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, or I play for the most popular team.

Week 3 and feeling as angry as a backup punter

Nothing quite says "teamwork" like stabbing your starting punter in the leg so you can get his job. Allegedly. This week's nominee for the Maurice Clarett award is Mitch Cozad, former backup punter for Northern Colorado. Mitch narrowly beat out South Carolina starting quarterback Blake Mitchell who was arrested after a bar fight early Wednesday. As the story goes, Blake got into the scuffle after another patron took offense to the QB's underage companion entering the bar. Not to worry, even though Blake has been suspended for this week, the "Ole Ball Coach" came to his QB's defense. "I was disappointed he got into a little fight. If he was out with his girlfriend and he wasn't drunk or whatever ... that's what college kids do." Yup, Steve - bar fight at 1:45 a.m. I'm sure Blake was as sober as a two headed field mouse on a country Sunday. Or whatever weird sayings ya'll have down there in the South. On to the picks.

Last Week 3-2 (stupid Tate and his stupid muscle strain)
Season 6-3-1

Florida -3½ TENNESSEE

The big story coming out of this game is that Tennessee defensive tackle Justin Harrell will postpone surgery on his torn left biceps in order to play against Florida this week. Doctors have assured Harrell that he can do no further damage to the arm as long as it is well padded. Additionally, they have ruled that Harrell can do no further damage to his head even if he doesn't wear a helmet. I know these guys are tough and all, and Harrell was an All-SEC pick last year, but does anyone else think this is a good idea? I'm not a doctor (though with a few more biology courses I could probably pass for one in Knoxville) but if Harrell wants to play in the NFL someday, shouldn't he be more worried about getting his arm fixed than a match up against the Gators? Yes, I know, this is a big rivalry, yadda yadda yadda, and I'm sure someday twenty years from now Harrell will reminisce with his buddies from the plant about the game when he played with one arm, had 2 tackles and Tennessee lost to Florida by a touchdown. I'll give him heart, but I can't understand the stupidity of Vols coach Phillip Fulmer by starting a DT with one good arm in such a big in-conference match up. Florida rolls this week and covers the spread.

LOUISVILLE -4 Miami (Florida)

I have this nagging feeling that after outscoring opponents 121-28 over the first two weeks, this is Louisville's welcome back to earth week. Yes, they destroyed Temple last week, 62-0, but they did give up 28 points to Kentucky in week one. What does all this mean? I really don't know. What I do know is that Miami's defense is only giving up 10 points a game. Though I am confident that the Big East is looking less like the Big Easy, I'm not confident that this is the game in which the ACC gets beaten like a two headed field mouse on a country Sunday. I'll take Miami with the points on this one, though I'm sure this will come back to haunt me.

ILLINOIS -3½ Syracuse

Speaking of a resurgent Big East, Syracuse must have posted my column from last week in the locker room as they nearly knocked off Iowa. Either that, or Drew Tate's replacement at QB, Jason Manson threw 4 picks, and Syracuse got turned away on seven consecutive plays from the two yard line. I'm not sure which it was - you tell me. This week, Syracuse takes on mighty Illinois, who have lost their last 10 games against D-I opponents, one game shy of the 11 straight Syracuse has lost. Though Syracuse put up a good fight last week, I think they'll be back to their old habits this week as the Illini are still smarting from the 33-0 loss last week. Illinois covers the spread on this one, and Syracuse makes it 12 in a row. Don't worry Orange fans, only 6 weeks until basketball season.

NOTRE DAME - 6 Michigan

On the list of people I'd least like to be this week, Michigan QB Chad Henne ranks near the top of the list. I don't know many things but these things are facts that I do know. FACT: Henne has thrown for an average of 124 yards per game this season against defenses much worse than the Irish. FACT: Notre Dame's defense always makes it difficult for big name opponents to come into South Bend, especially teams who play a mere 180 miles away, and have goofy helmets (yeah, history, shmistory, the whole winged helmet thing is sooooo out of style this season). FACT: Tom Zbikowski hunts and kills Wolverines with his bare hands and Charlie Weis eats them raw. Okay, I made that last one up. Regardless, I like a battle tested Notre Dame in this one over a Michigan squad who comes in with a chip on their shoulder and leaves with a boot to the ass. Notre Dame wins this one by a TD or more.

OREGON - 4½ Oklahoma

The bad news for Oregon is that they are 0-6 lifetime against Oklahoma, including an upset loss in the Fiesta Bowl last year. The good news for Oregon is that Jason White is no longer eligible for the Sooners. Most analysts say this game will likely be decided in a battle of running backs - OU's Adrian Peterson vs. Oregon's Jonathan Stewart. both have 3 TD's, though Stewart has split the rushing load with Jeremiah Johnson who also has 3 TD's on the year. HOWEVER, I am not most analysts, and I say screw the running game. That's right - this is a game which will be decided in the air. I see Saturday's trip to Eugene as Paul Thompson's coming-out party. Look for Thompson to exploit the Oregon secondary (with the loss of Jackie Bates playing a big part) for 3 or even 4 TDs. Combine that with a couple from Peterson, and Oklahoma should put up big numbers against the Ducks this week. As long as the Sooner defense can hold, Oklahoma takes the points and wins.

Oh and here's a freebee. I'm not scared of the 15.5 points Rutgers is laying to Ohio (I’ll take Rutgers). I'm just prohibited by law and the judges of good taste to pick more than 2 Big East games a week at this point. Then again, if I go 3-2 again this week, I'll be picking those Pitt/Citadel, West Virginia/East Carolina, and South Florida/Kansas games faster than a two headed field mouse on a country Sunday. See you next week.

Week Two - Right Where We Left Off

After an exciting first week (featuring a double overtime battle between Buffalo and Temple), I'm 3-1-1. I've also started taking nominations for the 2006 Maurice Clarett trophy. Leading the pack now is Tarell Brown of Texas, but there's still plenty of time for Miami players to get nominated. On to the picks . . .

Colorado State -2 Colorado (@ Denver)

Note to Colorado coach Dan Hawkins. Take a lesson from Gary Barnett; strippers and beer impress recruits. Losing to I-AA teams does not. Not to harp on an embarassing loss, but Colorado collapsed in the second half worse than the Red Sox pitching staff in August. I think that the loss to Montana State was a gut check for the Buffs, and they'll go into this week's game against in-state rival Colorado State looking for redemption. The only thing that worries me is this quote from Colorado co-captain Brian Daniels "Nobody is going to be betting on the Buffs anymore. We like the underdog situation." Uh, Brian, make that one person. Colorado wins this one outright over a tough Rams team that held Weber State to -39 yards rushing. I don't know how this is possible, and with fraud charges pending against three CSU players, I don't believe it for a second. Coach Hawkins gets his first win as Colorado head coach and everyone celebrates with soda and ice cream.

ARMY -6 Kent State

You know those matchups between Kent State and Army never go well for the Golden Flashes . . . (and if you picked up on the thinly veiled double entendre there - you know me too well).
Both teams lost last week, with Kent State getting shutout by Minnesota 44-0, and Army losing to Arkansas State by 8. With neither team scoring a TD last week, and Army only mustering 164 yards of offense, this one could be a repeat of last week's Buffalo - Temple matchup. I like Kent State to beat the spread. Its about time KSU fights back against servicemen.




Rutgers -11 ILLINOIS

Yes, you read that right. Rutgers is favored by 11. Just last week, I was singing the praises of RB and Heisman Hopefull Brian Leonard. How did Leonard do in his first game? 6 attempts, 25 yards, 0 TDs. Not the big splash he or Rutgers was hoping for. If the Scarlet Knights want to beat Illinois in the Rutgers home opener this week, Leonard will have to string together a number of better games. Not to mention, the backup QB for Illinois is nicknamed "Juice." Here's helpful hint for Isiah "Juice" Williams. If you plan on having a successful football career with the nickname "Juice," please don't buy a white Ford Bronco. Just a suggestion. Illinois should give Rutgers a hard time this week and I see them beating the spread. Wait, Ron Zook is the coach of Illinois? Nevermind, I'll take Rutgers to cover the 11 points.

Iowa -18.5 SYRACUSE

Syracuse is bad. QB Perry Patterson threw for 45 yards last week. 45 yards! Iowa's Drew Tate nearly matched that with one pass last week. Ok, maybe I'm putting too much stock in statistics. I asked my friend B what he thought about the 'Cuse's chances this season. His response? "Man, they suck." I'll agree with B. Iowa covers the spread; Syracuse makes it 11 losses in a row.

TEXAS -2.5 OSU

Outside of the USC - ND game in November, this might be the biggest game of the season in terms of BCS and National Championship rankings. That being said, I applaud Texas coach Mack Brown for suspending star CB Tarell Brown , but I hope he doesn't get sick of hearing "Troy Smith to Ted Ginn on the touchdown" on Saturday. Not that it would matter much anyway. Few people can keep up with Ginn, and with Texas' secondary taking a hit this week, I don't expect to see anyone keeping up with him this week. Look for Ginn to have a big game, but chances are it will be Anthony Gonzalez and Brian Robiskie who wreak havok on the Texas defense. I'm taking Ohio State to win this one, forcing coach Jim Tressel to admit that he'll give the Buckeyes his vote for number 1 this week.

Those are the picks, see you next Thursday.