Week 5, back with a vengence

After I missed a week, I'm ready to pick some real winners (so I hope). I apologize for a lack of humor - I'm working on three hours of sleep while working a pretty big conference for some of the biggest movers and shakers in the world. In fact, this afternoon I peed next to Usher. True story. I half expected Little John to pop out of the stall screaming, "YEAAAAAAAAH!" At least he washed his hands. I'd be disappointed if he hadn't washed his hands.

By the way - I just learned that I'll be writing language to recognize Dikembe Mutombo's efforts to help eradicate neglected tropical diseases (don't ask, I don't know why they're neglected either). It reminded me of a story I heard about him that every time he walked into a bar or a party while at Georgetown, he yelled, "Who wants to sex the Mutombo?!" I'm hoping to meet him and ask him if it ever worked. I'm guessing that won't happen. Hopefully I'll have more amusing celeb stories next week. Rumor has it I have to write stuff for Shakira tomorrow.

Mo Clarett nominee - So many to choose from this week, we'll go with Antonio Henton of Ohio State who was arrested on charges of soliciting a prostitute. Just when you thought the Buckeyes had the upper hand in taunting Michigan for losing to App State, Big Blue can counter with this. Henton, who is a third string QB, had little to say in court when arraigned this week. The judge, on the other hand, remarked that, "Your head is hung down and you're looking extremely sad." No kidding - you'd be sad too if you blew money on a hooker and didn't even get a handy out of it.

On to the picks . . .

Home team in BOLD

West Virginia -7 South Florida

After upsetting the Mountaineers on their home turf last year, everyone is wondering if this year's Big East Cinderella can repeat at home this week. Unfortunately, there are fewer things worse than a West Virginian seeking revenge - just ask Eliza Dusku and Emmanuelle Chriqui.
That being said, South Florida may have some momentum after upsetting Auburn and dismantling North Carolina this season. The Bulls highly-touted QB Matt Grothe has yet to throw an INT, and has passed for 200+ yards in 2 of his 3 games. However, Grothe will have to shoulder the majority of the scoring unless South Florida can find a way to stop the 1-2 combo of Steve Slaton (9TDs) and Pat White (6TDs), something no team has been able to do this season. I don't think South Florida can repeat history and I'll take West Virginia giving 7.


LSU -39.5 Tulane


This game is a big "numbers" game. LSU has forced nine interceptions in four games this year, including an incredible 6 against Mississippi State. Tulane QB Scott Elliott has a 4:1 INT to TD ratio this year and comes into the game with a QB rating of 84.34. LSU is still looking to steal 1st place votes from USC, and the Trojans will have their hands full trying to contain Washington's do-it-all QB Jake Locker. The Bayou Bengals are 16th in the nation in scoring (41.3 ppg), but are giving up a paltry 5.8 per game (which is skewed by the 16 that SC scored on them last week). This in state rivalry is barely a rivalry, with LSU winning the last 15 games they played against each other. A rivalry where one team wins 15 more times than the other? Most Red Sox fans seem to think so. I don't, and I also don't think the Green Wave stands a chance against the Tigers. LSU covers here giving the points.

Since I'm short on time, here are my three final picks:

USC -20.5 @ Washington - This is Ty's time to show Notre Dame that they might have made a long-term mistake. I'll take Washington with the points.


Hawaii -25.5 @ Idaho - Ho hum. Just another road trip for the best passing game in the land. Colt Brennan should have no trouble beating this spread. In the first half. I'll take the Rainbow Warriors giving 3+ TDs.

Clemson -3 @ GA Tech - I'm still not sure when the Yellowjackets will get the respect they deserve. Maybe beating Clemson will get them noticed. I hope so. I'm taking GA Tech getting three points.

Until next week . . .

Off for the Holiday

After going 2-3, I took a week off to repent for some stupid picks. Back later today for the week of 9/29.

Two Teams Enter, One Teams Leave (without a win)

Ok, I've racked my brain for a joke about the once mighty Notre Dame taking on the once mighty Michigan and frankly, I can't think of one. Let's just take a look at their season stats:





Notre Dame - Average rushing yards per game, -4; Total points allowed, 64; Offensive TDs, 0.


Michigan - Home Record, 0-2; Total points allowed, 73; QB rating of this week's starter, 47.7.





I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry . . . wait, who am I kidding, this is hilarious! Syracuse has more rushing yards per game (6) than the Irish. Temple has allowed fewer points (72) than Michigan. I'm sure ABC loves the fact that they scored the TV rights to this game. On second thought, with the nation's eyes turned to see if Big Blue can go 0-3 at the Big House, this might be their highest rated game of the season.





Maurice Clarett nominee:





I was sent a story this week about a Texas fan that wore a Longhorns shirt into a Sooners bar and nearly lost his testicles. I'd make a joke about having the balls to wear a Texas shirt in OU territory, but that's too easy. Instead I'll site this as proof that Texas fans actually do have testicles. Who knew?





This week's actual nominee is tough to pick. It was a relatively quiet one for college football players, so we're going to nominate Dean Bresciani, vice president for student affairs at Texas A & M. The Aggies, who have a six-year old collie named Reveille as their highest-ranking member of the school's Corps of Cadets, quarantined the mascot after she snapped at her handler when he stepped on the collie's tail while running. Imagine that, a dog snapped at someone when he stepped on her tail! Next thing you know the Aggies are going to penalize Reveille for not scooping her own poop.





On to the picks . . .





Home team in bold





Wake Forest -21.5 Army





Yes, I know the Deacons are the home team, and Army is a service academy, but a 21 1/2 point spread? Let's take a look at the facts:


Fact 1 - Brett Hodges (last week's starter) and Riley Skinner (week 1 starter) have similar numbers. Each has 1 TD, 3 INT, and 28 (Hodges) or 29 (Skinner) completions. Not fantastic stats for either guy.


Fact 2 - Skinner did not play last week due to a separated shoulder, and Hodges has started exactly one career game (last week against Nebraska).


Fact 3 - Army is allowing a modest 149.5 yards passing per game.


Fact 4 - Army has played Akron and URI and is 1-1.





Hmmm, maybe a 21.5 point spread is justified after all. Something about this game doesn't sit right with me. Maybe its because both teams have the same colors. Yeah, that must be it. Either way, I don't see this one being close. Wake Forest is a lot better than their 0-2 record suggests, and Army's win came against URI in overtime last week, so they are still 0-7 in their last 7 games against FBS opponents. Sorry, Black Knights, it's back to your losing ways this week. Look for Wake Forest to take out some frustration after that 4th quarter INT in the end zone last week. I'll take Wake Forest to cover the spread against Army.





GA Tech -7 Boston College





Both teams are 2-0 and come into this game off big wins last week. The Jackets whupped Samford [and son] 69-14, and BC held NC State to 56 yards rushing and forced 5 INTs. GA Tech prides themselves on their running game, racking up an astounding 327 yards per game. Is it a case of the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? Not really. However, I think that GA Tech finally will have their hands full with a quality opponent this week (no offense to Samford, but we know Notre Dame isn't going to a bowl game this year). If Eagles QB Matt Ryan (275 passing yards per game, 6 passing TDs) is on his game this week, coupled with another solid game from RB Andre Callender (6.5 yards per carry, 2 TDs) GA Tech could finally be tested. Frankly, I like BC's chances even if they are on the road. I'll take the Eagles with the points.





TCU -8 Air Force





There is something to be said when your leading passer (Shaun Carney, 232 yards) is also your leading rusher (163 yards). On the other side of the field, over-hyped TCU dropped a big one to Texas last week (43-13) after manhandling Baylor in week 1 (27-0). Just how bad were the Horned Frogs last week? After being ranked No. 2 in the country in rush defense in 2006 (61 yards per game) and holding Baylor to 51 yards on the ground, they gave up 176 to Texas while being held to 43. Consider that a free lesson from Mack Brown on how to stop the run. Air Force, historically a passing team, has more than twice as many total yards passing (613) as they do rushing (232). While this bodes well for the Falcons, TCU also features a secondary that has 6 INTs this year. As difficult as it is for me to overlook the Texas game, I think TCU is better than their record shows, and will likely end the season in the top 20. I'll take the Horned Frogs to cover the spread.





Michigan -7 Notre Dame





Can Michigan really lose three straight games at the Big House? Can Charlie Weis really open the season at 0-3? The answer to one of these questions is yes.





The story lines to this game are fantastic. Mike Hart guaranteeing a win for Big Blue. Chad Henne seemingly out for the game. Charlie Weis threatening to go on an eating binge if the Irish lose again. The entire city of Ann Arbor on suicide watch. Seriously, after watching Michigan's loss to Oregon, I don't think I've seen a group of more forlorn looking fans in my life (and coming from a Red Sox fan, that says a lot). I really don't know how to break this game down. Notre Dame clearly needs help on offense. I'm not sold on either Evan Sharpley (sacked 7 times v. GA Tech) or Jimmy Clausen (sacked 7 times v. Penn State). The good news for Notre Dame is that Brady Quinn might start this weekend. The bad news is that it's for the Browns. Michigan looks to Freshman Ryan Mallet who completed a whopping 35% of his passes after coming in for the injured Henne last week.

I know someone has to win this game, and with Michigan favored at home by 7, I can't imagine that they'll lose. However, Mike Hart has been their offensive source, and after being scoring 3 TD's against App. State, he was blanked by Oregon. I don't know what he'll do against a rush defense that has given up an average of 215 yards per game. Whatever it is, I think it will be enough for Michigan to win and cover the spread. At 0-3, maybe it will enough for Irish fans to register www.fireweis.com. I think Bob Davie is available.

USC -9.5 Nebraska

AP voters are looking for a reason to drop USC to number 2 and boost LSU to number 1. This week, the Trojans take on the red-hot Huskers in Nebraska, where they are 13-3 since 2005. USC has only lost 4 regular season games since 2002, and you guessed it, all four games were on the road. Now I'm not one to make my picks based on trends (I took Oklahoma over Miami last week based on the strength of their Redneck Tea), but Lincoln is a tough place for any team to play, let alone one coming off a shaky win in week 1 and a bye in week 2. USC just isn't the same powerhouse that they used to be, and in case you missed it, Nebraska has gone 17-9 over the last two seasons under Coach Bill Callahan. However, Callahan has never beaten a team ranked higher than 23, and USC is a far cry from the Texas A&M squad Nebraska eeked out a win against last year, or the Iowa State team they beat in 2005. Bottom line, USC is going to have to prove their number 1 ranking this week, or risk losing it - even if they win. At #14, Nebraska hasn't been ranked this high since starting the season 6-1 in 2003. I have a feeling that this year's Nebraska team is more than just Lucky. In fact, I think Nebraska will win this game outright. I'm picking the upset here, and taking the Huskers to beat USC (with or without the points).

Until next week . . .

Week 2 Results

Thanks to Washington's convincing upset (hello top 25?) of Boise State, I went 4-1 last week, bringing my season record back to a ho-hum .500.

Coming this week, Notre Dame! Michigan! Somebody HAS to win! Only on NBC!

Week 2, and wondering where I can buy stock in Appalachain State t-shirts

After a poor showing in week 1, I think I've gotten this losing business out of my system. Notre Dame and Michigan might need another week or so to recover. For those of you living in a box, Big Blue was upset by Appalachain State. Not to take anything away from ASU, but they have won the I-AA championship two years in a row, so its not like Michigan lost to D-I dormats UNLV (hi there, Utah State) or New Mexico State (what's up, SE Louisiana?). Speaking of big losers . . . its time for this week's Maurice Clarett nominee:

Ryan Broyles, Oklahoma - As I've said in the past, I don't normally pick on guys arrested for theft, but as always, this arrest had a twist. Broyles, a freshman second team WR, was charged with petty larceny this week after using a key to turn the meter off at a Mr. Shortstop convenience store gas pump and steal gas. Somehow Broyles, who was not an employee of Mr. Shortstop, obtained the key and codes to the pump in order to get free gas after the store had closed for the evening. My favorite part of this story is the fact that the owner of the store is former Norman, Oklahoma mayor Ron Henderson. Henderson was puzzled when he heard about the theft. "We've been experiencing shortages for several months and we've been trying to figure out where the problem might be," Henderson said. "We thought maybe we're losing gas in the tanks or in the underground lines. Never once did we dream it could be theft related."
Henderson said he is unsure how anyone could get a key because neither he nor his employees have one. He also said he doesn't know whether the alleged attempt was an isolated incident.
Uh, Mr. Mayor? You just got finished telling us that you've been losing gas for months and you're wondering if this is an isolated incident? No, I'm sure the two have nothing to do with each other. That and Rhett Bomar called; your rental car is ready to be picked up.

On to the picks . . .

Home teams in BOLD

Penn State -17 Notre Dame

Remember last week when I said I'd wait until the Irish were favored by a touchdown or more? I could be waiting all season at this point. Charlie Weis could bring Aretha Franklin in to the locker room to sing about R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and it wouldn't matter. Since the Evan Sharpley experiment worked so well last week, Notre Dame will start the surgically repaired Jimmy Clausen in Happy Valley. I don't think even Brady Quinn could help the Irish against the Penn State D. Maybe Tom Zbikowski should have stuck to his boxing career. I like Joe Pa's Nittany Lions to exact some revenge after last year's Irish blowout of Penn State. I'll take PSU to cover the spread.

Boise State -3 Washington

Last week, America's favorite cheerleader-marrying running back rushed for 128 yards and three TD's. Ian Johnson probably won't put up those numbers this week, but you can expect some sort of trickery on the part of Boise State as they play what looks to be their toughest game of the year (until the match up with Hawaii) against Washington. I'm not sold on the Huskies who beat up on the Orangemen of Syracuse 42-12 last week. Redshirt freshman QB Jake Locker didn't pass for any TS's last week, but he did rush for two of them. This is the type of performance that makes you wonder if he is one of those scrambling QB's that jut runs all over the backfield until he decides to take it in himself. Someone should call the ASPCA to check if he owns any property in Virginia. On the other hand, I am sure of two things: 1) Ian Johnson is from San Dimas, CA, and 2) San Dimas High football rules! I'll take Boise State to cover the spread.

Oklahoma -10.5 Miami (FL)

I'm beginning to wonder if Ryan Broyles (see above) got arrested just to intimidate the 'Canes this week. "See Miami, we have tough guys who steal gas and have shady part time jobs in Norman. You'd better come prepared!" I've been to Norman, and I've been to Miami. I can honestly say this: Norman has a lot fewer old Jewish women. That, and they have this drink called Redneck Tea that you drink out of a Mason Jar. Miami just has frilly cocktails and Top Chef reruns. For those reasons alone, I'm taking the Sooners to beat the spread.

Auburn -7 USF

After a lackluster showing by USF last week against Elon, and a comeback win by Auburn (including 2 TDs in the 4th quarter) over K-State, neither of these hyped teams is looking particularly strong. To complicate matters, Auburn suspended RB Brad Lester, who led the team with 9 rushing TDs last season. USF features QB Matt Grothe and . . . uh yeah, that's kind of it. My point is, neither of these teams are especially fantastic (though the Bulls are the dark horse pick in the Big East) but USF does have a penchant for pulling off the big upset on the road (just ask West Virginia). For some reason, I like the Bulls to make it close here. I'll take USF with the points.

West Virginia -24 Marshall

Marshall has lost all 6 games they've played against the Mountaineers. That's not a good track record. Last year, WVU walloped the not-so-Thundering hurd 42-10, with RB Steve Slaton putting up 203 yards. Last week, Marshall scored a whopping 3 points against Miami giving up 250+ yards. This isn't a good sign either. I'm really looking for something nice to say about Marshall's chances, but I can't besides the fact that they have a RB named Chubb Small, and their fans are notoriously unforgiving towards visiting teams. Even the Huntington crowd won't rattle the 1-2 combo of Steve Slaton and Pat White. I'm gonna go out on a limb and take West Virginia giving 24 points here. Shame on all of you for wondering where the "sleeping with their sisters" line was in this game. Just because there are two teams from West Virginia involved, it doesn't mean you'll get an incest joke. Now a joke about the combined number of teeth in the stadium this week doubling as the over/under is a different story.

Until next week . . .

Results of Week 1

Yeah, I went 1-4. Thanks to Hawaii for only playing Brennan in the first half, as well as giving up a fourth quarter TD to cut the lead to 56.

I hope to get back on track this week, as key games include VA Tech - LSU, Oklahoma - Miami, and the artist-formerly-known-as-Michigan takes on the always well-dressed Oregon Ducks.