Tag Team Action

I used to get a lot of heat from an ex who couldn't understand why I liked to watch wrestling. I mean what says manly more than watching a couple of sweaty guys in tights roll around in front of a couple thousand people and the winner is the one who lays on top of the other for three seconds?

There's a reason they call him the Heartbreak Kid, and I think it has something to do with the teal tiger print tights.

With that in mind, I had the following brain fart tonight while my girlfriend and her roommates were discussing the Iron Sheik's "Camel Clutch" as something a friend had tried during sex: Why is it that so many wrestling moves sound like sex terms and vice versa? I came up with the following list, and I ask you, dear readers to try and guess which of the terms refers to a sex term and which is a wrestling hold. Results to follow later this week. However, please note that even though some are obvious, you could very well mistake them. I mean, can't you just imagine Jim Ross screaming out, "My God! He just got him with the Dirty Sanchez! Eddie Guerro hit him with the Dirty Sanchez!"

1. Rings of Saturn
2. Monkey Flip
3. Angry Dragon
4. Mandible Claw
5. Strawberry Shortcake
6. Blumpkin
7. David Copperfield
8. Pole Ram
9. Polish Hammer
10. Fisherman Buster
11. Spinebuster
12. Snowblower
13. Stinky Pinky
14. Stump Puller
15. Hot Karl
16. Felch
17. Cross Face Chicken Wing
18. Lot Lizard
19. Sweet Chin Music
20. Asian Spike

Again, there is a correct answer for all of the questions. I could have been a jerk and included small package, biting, leg split and back fist, but those I'm not even sure of. Answers will be posted by the end of the week, so good luck!

Beyonce, Lil John, and the Horah

I was invited to a wedding this past weekend, as one of my girlfriend's eight close female friends (I later learned they call themselves "Phatties" and the males are refered to as "Phatty-in-laws") got married. She was the third in the group to be married, and the wedding was a very nice Jewish affair with plenty of good food, beverages, and dancing to be had. However, one thing I've noticed (being this was my fourth wedding of the season) is that when you have a band at your wedding, Top 40's hits don't sound quite right.

Let me explain.

As I mentioned before, this was a traditional Jewish wedding, complete with very schmaltzy music, dancing, and plenty of "Mazel Tovs." In addition to having festivities with plenty of food and drink, Jews (and I am guilty of this as well) are know especially known for their rhythm or prowess on the dance floor. Mostly, we get by with a lot of holding hands, running in circles and clapping. In fact. this wedding featured one of the the most lively horahs I've ever seen, and the wedding singer labeled me a "pro." However, I'm not quite sure about the transition in music from a very lovely clarinet and trombone laden song from Fiddler on the Roof, to Beyonce and Jay-Z's Crazy In Love followed by Yeah by Usher and everyone's favorite King of Crunk, Lil John.

Hmmm.

Somehow, If I were a rich man . . . followed by Young Hove y'all know when the flow is loco, makes sense to the wedding singer (who as it was noted, looked like she was poured into her dress, and there was more tension in her control top undergarments than in the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood clinic). Regardless, the mix of music, seemingly pulled straight from a schizophrenic's iPod playlist, definately had Grandpa, Great Aunt Mildred and the bride's girlfriends hopping on the dance floor. Truly a sight to see. My point is this. Who sits down with the wedding singer (who I've decided not only lives on the Upper East Side of NYC, but probably lives somewhere around 72nd and 3rd) and says to her, "Okay, the set list will go like this - we'll do a nice Horah, have a few other slower circle dances, bust out into some Beyonce and Usher, and then finish it off with the bride and groom cutting the cake. It'll be fake hips meet hip-hop and then we'll have dessert." I know I wasn't the only one questioning this, because on my way out of the bathroom I definately overheard someone's grandparents talking about, "The very loud music that the band was playing, I didn't care for it."

As always, comments are appreciated.

Constipation of the Brain

So it’s been a while since my last brain fart. I keep having ideas pop into my head only to forget them when I sit down at the computer (which was on the fritz for a while). Highly frustrating. Anyhow, this one I've been working on for a while and I decided to share it after reading Jessica Simpson's quote that, "At school my boobs were bigger than all my friends' and I was afraid to show them. Now I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory."

Now before you say anything, there are a few ways I could go with this. However, 1) the “Jessica is Dumb” thing is played out. No one is shocked when stupid things come out of her mouth. 2) We all know Jessica Simpson has boobs. She flaunts them enough in the "Boots are Made for Walking" video as well as the Dukes of Hazzard remake (somewhere, Sorrel Booke is spinning) so we've all become well acquainted.

What I have taken issue with is the overwhelming misuse of accessories. The following things ARE accessories: Belts, Shoes, Earrings. The following things ARE NOT accessories: Little Dogs, Boobs, Asian Girlfriends.

I've picked up on this trend over the past few months. We all saw Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell. Soon Britney Spears, , even everyone's favorite ex-Spice Girl Geri Haliwell had one of those dogs made to be carried around in designer handbags. For the record, anyone who buys an animal smaller than something I pooed and calls it a dog should get a gerbil. They're more fun - just ask Richard Gere.

Back to my rant. Before long, Mrs. Federline, Ginger Spice and most recently good old Paris traded in their "beloved lap dogs." I hope this fall's trend will shift to something that is larger than a post-drinking B.M. Now I'm no animal rights activist, but when all of these tiny dogs suddenly become "uncool" who is going to take them? Can we just ship them off to Vietnam? Somebody please fill me in here.

Additionally, and I've gotten this from a number of white girls who suddenly find themselves without dates, when did it become cool to date an Asian girl? Was there some mutual decision made that I was unaware of? I'm curious (not that I have any problem with the situation) to get an opinion on the matter. Last week I saw this homely white guy with a cute Asian girl on the train to NY. They were definitely dating, and I wanted to stop and ask her, "At what point did you wake up and say, 'You know what? I want to date a white guy who wears dirty sweatpants out of the house.'?" Hey, more power to you if you find someone you are attracted to, but let's not go overboard on the trend here. On behalf of Asian women everywhere, I know what it feels like to be a human accessory (try having your girlfriend suggest you wear a leather cuff and necklace or get dressed up like Justin Timberlake for New Years) - it ain't fun.

In closing, Jessica Simpson - we love your boobs. We know you're proud of them. But an accessory they do not make. I know you say they fill out your clothes better, but come on - if I can't consider this pair of tube socks in my shorts an accessory, you can't claim your boobs are either.